I'm Not There

Sesshin, what I've wanted all along.
Stop resisting and just enter.
Invaluable experience, and i got it now.

My time to leave feels ready.
Goodbye room
Goodbye wood furnace
Goodbye mail trail
bench with a view of the ocean
tea house
farm
garden
beach
kitchen
morning cup of coffee
caramel
friends
sangha
cushion.

Leaving the soft pink glow of fog behind me I parted from the Green Dragon...for now
Another day to come.
Made a friendly stop in San Jose and then coasted down to the City of Angles
Family time.
I am having trouble finding the words.
it doesn't feel like the end.

Sesshin

Tonight marks the beginning of sesshin.
7 days
no talking
no reading
no computers
no phone calls
and no writing.......goodbye ideas, bad or good
just sit when sitting
just eat when eating
just walk when walking
be present.
i've never done this before
i embrace the unknown
like Indiana Jones in The Last Crusade
i walk off the ledge having faith that there is footing to catch me
do my best, have trust in myself
be present
one of my biggest lessons
i'm learning.

See you on the other side December 7th.

Giving into Being Tired and Feeling Peace

Strange things happen when I slow down and pay attention to what is best for me.
I feel calm.
Caramel slept with me last night. I miss sleeping next to a breathing being.
This morning in practice discussion, Sukey and I spent a long period of time sitting and listening to the wind and rain.
I could have sat there for hours.
I truly enjoy our time together and feel so lucky to have her as my practice leader.
I am grateful to be surrounded by so many strong and deep women here at Green Gulch.
Teachers, colleagues, and role models.
Last day working on the farm.
It was a good one, spotty rain, did compost, stomped around in poo and mud.
Talked to some close friends back in SLC.
Need to change my brakes and buy some chains before heading out.
Will be looking for a temporary job when returning to SLC.
So many things to take care of before sesshin begins.
What do I drop.


I decided to go to Blue Ledge Farm in Vermont for three months starting in February. Sprout Creek Farm, I felt, needed to wait. I need to test the waters before plunging in. I figures a short internship would be a better bet than a full year commitment. My contact at Sprout Creek was very understanding and welcomed me in the future. It was a good and surprisingly heartfelt conversation. I will be keeping in touch with them in the future. Greg and Hannah who own and run Blue Ledge Farm seem very together and genuine people. I am looking forward to meeting and working with them. They have told me that I will be up to my ears in baby goats and will learn the ins and outs of making cheese. Word! It will be interesting though, I will be back to a solo life, living in an apartment, doing my own shopping and cooking, no sangha to lean on. It will be a quiet time.

Nyu Nan

Nyu Nan
Both characters mean soft
Together they mean soft, flexible mind.
With sesshin around the corner, Meiya sensei chose this scroll for us to mind.
Last day studying tea at Green Gulch.
Like a sponge soaking up what I can hold.
First time serving Usucha Hiratamei.
Like a baby with a new tool.

Passed the gift on to Marcia and took her to the writer's hut.
I love the salty air and the color of the water. It's all so magical.
Been thinking about conversations and the intentions and attentions during them.
Been thinking about a soft, flexible mind and how to approach each day and situation without having preconceived ideas.
Sometimes those preconceived ideas are called boundaries, filters, things that keep me safe. But they do harm as well, to self and others.
How do I work with them?
Is being as aware of them as possible a good first step?
Why do I feel like I am relearning the obvious......

Gratitude Day

My first Thanksgiving without a turkey.
Divine buttery yummy yams and zesty cranberry sauce.
Seconds of pecan pie.
Praising the zendo with dirt and life.
Alysum in the palm of Avalokiteshvara.
Skating in socks from one end of the zendo to the other.
Everyone is so engaged with each other, wanting to learn and interact.
Music and singing, I've got to learn the piano. I'm going to burst.
Warmth from a fire.
I burrow deep down into the mind of being soft with a loved one.
Being kind to self and others, taking it slow.
A peaceful gathering.
A bow of gratitude, goodnight.

(will post pics soon of zendo decorations)

Breath Instead of Words

writing saves
touch now

November 23

Last tea gathering with the Abbess.

She told us of a saying that roughly goes,
An eyelash you can barely feel in the palm of your hand can at the same time feel unbearable if caught in your eye.